


It's Not Unusual

by donotspeaktomeofdragonfire



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Magic Police, Tiny bit of Angst, alien!xephos, lalna is a dumb, light non-consensual voyeurism (but not in a sexy way), love pollen, matchmaker, mentions of and references to PTSD scenarios, sjin gives relationship advice, speculation and if-you-squint relationships, usernames as names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 09:51:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3170456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donotspeaktomeofdragonfire/pseuds/donotspeaktomeofdragonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for my friend Chloe, who likes to have a couple "cannons" on her "ships." Her only requirement (besides Xephmadia) was for it to be fluffy. Well, you can't say I didn't try.</p><p>In which Lalna is concerned for Xephos' well being, Sjin is absolutely done with trying to give relationship advice, and everyone is happy in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What is Love?

**Author's Note:**

> To Chloe: I've wanted to do this for you since we met. Now that you're graduating, this may be my last chance.  
> To the reader: Things I like to write: lore and history of the world; things I don't like to write: character descriptions, a speedy plot

It was Lalna, poor, science-obsessed, low-interpersonal-skills, if-you-want-to-be-useful-go-build-me-this-computer Lalna, that noticed it first. It was the third time Xephos had yelled at him inside of an hour. Whatever was going on, he and Honeydew were bearing the brunt of it. When his shift at Holediggers was over, he flew as fast as possible to his next life, away from the delicacy and frustration of technology and into another kind of frustration altogether. He took out the transferred anger by blasting a couple of cows to cow Valhalla, before realizing that he hadn’t done a single thing they had planned for that day. Screw checklists anyways. Everyone always had checklists. Xephos had checklists, Will had checklists, even Pandalabs had their own checklist, spread out on the front step for all to see. He was done, sick and tired of checklists. He turned to Sjin, who had been watching him blow up cows with great hilarity, and let out a long breath.

“We need to do something about Xephos.”

“What? Where did this come from? Were you pretending the cows were Xephos or something?”

That got a chuckle out of him. “Sort of. He’s been acting weird, more pissed off than usual.”

“So you want us to do something about him like what? Like in a magic police sort of way or an intervention sort of way?”

“An intervention, sort of, I think. You know how me and Honeydew have known him for ages?”

“Since he crash-landed in the Arctic, yeah, absolute ages.”

They had all come to this planet in different ways, and at different times. Honeydew, a hard-working dwarf from the mountains, had been the first, as far as they knew. The way he told it, he had wandered out from his home in search of adventure, of a change, and it had very nearly fallen right into his lap. A massive shooting star, he called it (“My ship,” Xephos corrected him), that burned up on its way to the frozen wastelands, and created a sea out of the ice. One lone survivor crawled up out of that new sea, and together they made that world, and all the strange changes that came after it, into a home. The legends tell (though no one knows who first told them) of a civilization formed long before the founders ever set foot on that strange land- of sprawling cities and bustling shops, of sky-pirates and villains and barren wastelands, of corruption, death, and ultimate destruction. But that was all in their past, and the old times are spoken of in only cryptic comments and whispers behind closed doors. It was best, they knew, not to ask. It was also best not to ask what became of the last person to ask.

“Well, Honeydew’s known him longer than I have, and Xephos’ done this before. About once a year or two, I’d say, but in the Old Times, back when we were working on the Jaffa Factory. I haven’t seen him act up like this for ages. Something changed, and now it changed back, and he’s got a stick up his arse again, and it’s not good for any of us.”

“So what do you think changed?” Sjin looked at him with concern in his eyes.

“Honestly, I don’t know for certain. I never studied biology, much less xenobiology. I was always a technology sort of man.” They talked very rarely about their pasts, and when they did, it was always with pain in their hearts. To be torn away from their lives so abruptly left a large hole that they couldn’t fill with each others’ company alone. “I don’t… Maybe I wasn’t even a scientist.” He looked down at his deep blue wizard’s robes. He didn’t need to wear his lab coat here. He didn’t need to be that person. “Oh god, Sjin. I’m forgetting.”

Sjin moved to his friend’s side, wrapping a protective arm around him. “Come on, let’s go in for some tea. It’s best not to think about it. We’ve got lives here, more than we did at home. At least, I know I do.” They walked back up the path like that, together, and Sjin sat Lalna down at a chair as he set a kettle on the stove. “Now, let’s focus on what we can do to help Xephos. We are his friends, after all, and I think we should help.”

“We should, yeah.” Lalna laughed as Sjin tried to put a blanket around his shoulders. “What are you, my mother?”

“If I have to be,” Sjin smiled, his moustache twitching up his cheek. “Eat your school, stay in drugs, don’t do peas,” he joked. “Can you think of anyone who would make Xephos happy?”

“Honeydew makes him happy,” Lalna suggested. “But we’ve been around Xeph all day, even with Honeydew he’s still pissy.”

“Well, like you said, I don’t know much about aliens, but where I come from, sometimes a man just needs the company of someone other than his bros.” The kettle whistled, and Sjin promptly attended to it, pulling some mugs out of the cupboard. One was a promotional item from Sipsco, a mug shaped like an all-natural-mineral-enriched block of dirt. To Lalna, it was absolutely hideous, but Sjin claimed to love it. Anything that held memories here was usually temporary at best, so they cherished what they could. Lalna understood. The other mug, set for Lalna, was one of a personalized set made for him and Nanosounds, reading “GET FLUXED” in giant purple lettering. He kept his here, after Nanosounds lost hers in an unfortunate accident. Pandalabs was rather unstable at the moment, but at least it was better than the Land of Eternal Winter.

“Whatever do you mean?” said Lalna, sighing into his warm cup of tea.

“I mean,” Sjin continued as he sat down in the chair across from him, “that sometimes a man needs the company of a woman to calm him down. Or a man. I’m not assuming. I’m just saying, a significant other.”

“A significant other.” Lalna thought to the sheer number of people in their world now. Who would be of such easy access? There were a few it couldn’t be, of course, like sunny Zoey or, god forbid, Lalna himself. He would know, wouldn’t he? No, this was new, there was something there for a while that had made Xephos his easy-going self, and Lalna, though a supportive friend, certainly hadn’t been that part of it. “Who knows if Xephos even has someone he thinks of in that way?” Lalna sipped his tea. Sjin always made the best tea, thankfully he was over the “chilis make everything better” stage.

Sjin smiled at him. “Of course he’s got someone. Hasn’t he ever said anything to you? Because he’s very open on the farm.”

“Maybe? He doesn’t talk much about his personal life at work. Why, has he said anything to you?”

“Where we’re at, work and family are basically the same thing. He’s talked about someone, yes.”

“Why are you being so cryptic?”

Sighing, Sjin laid his head softly on the table, his brown wispy curls fanning out over his face. “Men,” he groaned, seemingly more to himself than Lalna. Taking a deep breath, he raised his head again, quirking an eyebrow at the perplexed blonde. “You honestly have been working with Xephos for years, in an intimate, friendly setting, where you talk about anything and everything, and you still have no clue who he likes?”

“No?”

“I am going to hex you into next week. It’s- No, don’t even. You don’t deserve to know. Why- What- You- I don’t even-” Sjin hid his face in his tea for several seconds, breathing heavily. “Go figure it out for yourself. All I’m telling you is that it’s a woman.”

“Don’t we still have to work-”

“I am postponing everything in favour of those two getting back together. I know I said I don’t know anything about alien biology, but I do know a thing or two about love and pining, alright? So don’t even cross me right now.”

Lalna finished his tea in silence, glancing over at Sjin every once in a while. The man had returned his forehead to the table between them, and was muttering ominously every once in a while. He returned his mug to the sink, planning to wash it himself, but Sjin just waved at him and sent a gust of wind his direction to shoo him out the door.


	2. The Taste of a Poison Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After some speculation, Lalna decides to infiltrate the enemy base.

There were only a few women in their world, which was fine, as they didn’t seem to need to reproduce or repopulate here. Every time they died, they were painstakingly stitched back together again, sometimes more easily than others. As he walked through the forests, checking his map occasionally, he considered the ones he’d been in. Nothing was more painful than the destruction of a world, rather than being ripped to shreds it was more like being pulled apart, cell by cell, and glued back together again. He was never quite right again after it, and even now he couldn’t remember how many there’d been. The runner-up had to be when Nano had shot the portal to the moon, and they couldn’t do anything but die. They were laughing through their tears, so used to waking up again in their bed or in a field that they could find the humour in the pain. Did he ever think, back in the Before Time, that there would ever be a day he could be used to dying? When death, the Great Mystery that so many poets had loved and cursed, would be little more than a one-night stand, an inconvenience at worst? No, it was impossible to think about. Best he keep his thoughts to the task at hand.

Now that he was in the open air, he could think more clearly. He had been filled with frustration and concern for his friend that he hadn’t even given it a good three seconds thought. The list was short. It contained:

  * Nanosounds- could it be his small apprentice? She wasn’t much for the title anyways, preferring more and more now to follow her own path.

  * Zoeya- very obviously not. He crossed that one off his mental list immediately. They didn’t need another Rythian fiasco.

  * MintyMinute- come to think of it, he hadn’t seen her around since, well, since the Jaffa Factory. That was, what, two worlds ago? He hoped she had come back all in one piece.

  * Lomadia- was, honestly, the most likely choice. She was strong, bold, and clever, and also very available.




Lomadia. Wasn’t she housing with Nilesy full-time now, though? He understood work shifts, as they all had their own conditions- some, like him, kept themselves as busy as possible, some stuck to one job, and they all had their choices on whether to live alone or as a team. But Lomadia and Nilesy now tended to keep to themselves. Was that why Xephos was pining?

Lalna consulted his map again, heading in the direction of the Witches’ Hut. Pausing mid-stride, he considered the time it would take to actually walk every step of the way, and decided on a different plan.

/tp LividCoffee Nilesy_

It was nauseating, feeling your heart stop beating in one place and suddenly start beating in the next, and many avoided it as much as possible. But it was one of their fascinating new abilities in this world, having only to think and be moved, and Lalna found it almost thrilling after a while, like being at the top of a rollercoaster without the climb. But there was always the drop, and this time he dropped straight into the path of an oncoming train.

Train?

There were railroad tracks, which were sure to leave bruises he would be questioned about, and a cacophony of noise which included the shouts of two panicked people, the sound and vibration of a cart rumbling across said tracks, and what sounded like- meowing?

“Get up, get out the way!” came Lomadia’s voice, and a hand grabbed his arm and yanked his roughly to his feet, and out of the way of the oncoming cart. It flew by, and a blur of fur and claws nearly swiped him, though he stumbled away in time so that it only passed him, the cart’s unusual cargo disappearing around a bend in the fence.

“Lalna?” Nilesy’s Scottish lilt danced across Lalna’s ears. Maybe it was the fact that he had just fallen several metres and hit his head in the process, but he felt like he wanted to hear that voice again.

“Nilesy!” He waved his arm in the air, a bit dizzy from everything. The long-haired witch (as he still insisted on) came floating down on his broom, landing gently next to him.

“Good lord, what did you do that for?” Lalna smiled at him. The sun was setting, creating a halo behind Nilesy’s head. It was fitting, Lalna thought, for such a beautiful man.

“You are… exquisite.” It wasn’t the right word. It was never the right word.

“Oh god, he fell in the flowers.” The voice came from near his ear, and he attempted to brush it away. “Hey, he just smacked me!”

Nilesy giggled. “I suppose we’d better get him some milk, then.”

“Yes, we’d better!” Lomadia grumbled. “Just be thankful he didn’t latch on to me. I think Xephos would have tried to tear him apart piece by piece, and I would have to convince him that he was honestly too weak to do it himself, and then he’d just try to blow the poor guy up instead of just letting me handle it.”

“Has that ever actually happened?” Lalna watched as his world tipped upside down and he was slung unceremoniously over Lomadia’s shoulder. At least he was facing Nilesy.

“Honestly? Yes, and it was an unmitigated disaster. Also, honestly, that really isn’t one of the important questions to be asking here.”

“Then what are the important questions, Lomadia?” Nilesy smirked insolently. It was a beautiful smirk.

“One, whether this is the Magic Police on an official raid, which I sincerely hope it isn’t, or else they’re a lot more incompetent than I thought and also we probably shouldn’t be bringing him into our house,” she paused as Nilesy opened the door for her, stomping inside and setting him on the stairs, “or two, was he actually here to see one of us- specifically you as that’s who he teleported to- personally; or three, he’s supposed to be delivering a message from someone else, seeing as the mailboxes are buggered and there’s not really another way. I’m not sure I like any one of those options.” Nilesy stepped out of Lalna’s range of sight and Lalna howled. “It’s probably best if you stay with him. I’ll get the milk.”

“Do you think he’d like some fish, too? Maybe he’s like a cat.”

Lalna meowed. He could be a cat, for Nilesy.

“Nilesy, don’t give him uncooked fish. Where on earth is the milk? Why isn’t it in the food chest? Why are there spider eyes in the food chest?” Lalna heard chests squeaking open and slamming shut, and he wished it would stop. He wanted to hear the Scot speak again. Maybe he could make that happen. Raising his hand, he put it firmly on Nilesy’s face, moving his lips. Nilesy only gingerly removed his hand and set it back down next to him on the step.

“None of that, now. Poor thing. Why do we even have that plant, anyways?”

“Witchy stuff!” Lomadia called from somewhere in the house. “Oh, finally!” Returning to Lalna’s field of vision, she shoved a milk pail in front of his face. “It was in ‘Nilesy’s Junk,’ of all places. Why do you never put anything back where it belongs?”

Nilesy took the pail from Lomadia, tipping it against Lalna’s lips. The milk was cool and cleared his head, and taking the bucket for himself, he finished off the last of the clouds that still hovered around his mind.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up for that,” Lalna joked, returning the pail to its rightful owners and getting to his feet. He wobbled slightly, and the pair looked at him with looks of indignation on their faces. “But what on earth was that plant?”

“Amor compulsus,” Lomadia answered, her voice trim and professional. “Forced love.”

“Forced love,” repeated Lalna. “Definitely sounds illegal. I’ll put that on your records.”

“Before you do that, maybe you can tell us what the heck you were doing teleporting to me.” Nilesy still looked amused, and Lalna flushed, remembering his previous actions.

“You know what? I can let you off with a warning this time, how about that? Maybe I leave with a cutting, maybe I wipe a few charges off your record, hmm?” A plan formed in Lalna’s mind, slowly expanding and taking shape as he thought about it.

“Are you planning on actually using it on someone?” Lomadia looked both parts alarmed, and as if she was about to slap him.

“Of course not!” Lalna objected. “It’s only for scientific- er, magical curiosity.”

“Don’t give it to ‘em, Lom!”

Lomadia looked between the men, sighed, then stretched, flexing her muscles intimidatingly. “I don’t know if I’d give it to the Magic Police, but I might, to a friend.”

Sighing, Lalna stripped his robes off, storing them quickly away into his pack. He stood before them, defenseless, returned to his humble scientist’s garb. A permanently stained lab coat brushed the tops of his trainers, barely covering his worn jeans and light purple t-shirt. They all mainly wore the clothing they had been swept off in, though some, like Sjin, changed outfits regularly. He recalled, just barely, his home, panic, grabbing the only coat he could find, running outside into air that burned his lungs and made him want to hurl. Sometimes, he woke sweating, gasping for breath, while Nano endured her own fitful sleep in the bed across from him.

They didn’t talk about their past much.

“Oh, hello, Lalna. When did you get here?” Lomadia teased. “You’re just in time. I wanted to show you something.” Politely ignoring his quiet, sarcastic grumbles, she led him back outside and to the fence that surrounded their property. “Here. Amor compulsus.” She snipped off a shoot of the softly glowing pink bush, wrapping it in a cloth. “Careful where you plant it, and how you use it. I’m trusting you as a friend.”

Lalna took it gently, tucking it into a side pocket of his pack. “I’ll take good care of it... friend.”

“You do that.” She smiled gently at him, and for a moment he could see past the rough-and-tumble exterior to the woman Xephos had (probably) fallen for. “Now, why on earth did you come here in the first place?”

“Oh, no, never mind that. It doesn’t matter anymore anyways.” Lalna returned the smile in what he hoped was a convincing manner.

“Well, you come back soon, then,” Nilesy piped up from behind them. Lalna stood to leave, and Nilesy winked at him playfully. “Let’s do this again sometime.”

“Let’s,” he laughed, and dropped out of space, headed for the Magic Police station.

/tp LividCoffee Sjin

At least now he had some semblance of a plan. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drugging people is not funny, kids. Don't worry, I've sworn on a happy, consensual ending, no strings attached.


	3. Shut Up and Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our couple lives happily ever after, Xephos is glowy, and Lomadia is awesome, as always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god I don't like writing endings because there were so many ways I wanted this to go but I wanted to get this done, actually finish a multi-chapter story for once. And lookie here, I've actually done it. And within 24 hours, no less. *claps frantically* http://i.imgur.com/69GsrPE.gif

“Well? How did it go?” Sjin was on the rooftop when Lalna landed next to him, arms full of spell ingredients. “Why aren’t you wearing your wizard’s robes?”

“Sjin! I’ve got something!” Lalna’s voice was frantic. “I’ve got it!” He pulled the cloth-wrapped branch out of his pack and held it up.

“Hold on, let me finish this.” Sjin tossed the rest of the ingredients into the altar, causing a great deal of smoke and noise. On instinct, Lalna cringed, clasping his hand over his mouth and nose. He shook heavily, and a moment later felt a gentle hand on his back, rubbing in comforting circles. “Lalna, friend, are you alright?”

It must have been the chemical changes to his brain. Yes, that had to be it. He was the Mad Scientist, the Nuker of Worlds. Since when did a little fire scare him? Forcing down the memories that threatened to rise, he straightened and smiled at Sjin.

“I’m alright. But the important thing is that I know what to do about Xephos! Also, I’ve got this cool stick.” He waved the stick at Sjin, who grabbed it.

“What does it do?”

“I fell in it and fell in love with Nilesy!” There was a moment’s silence, and Sjin dropped to his knees in silent laughter.

“What? Are- are you-” He heaved and clutched his heart. “Oh god. What?”

“I TP-ed to Nilesy, fell onto a cat train, got poked by a bush and fell in love- but don’t worry, I’m better now- and got a piece of it because they’re so scared of the Magic Police. And I know what to do about Xephos and Lomadia!”

This breathless retelling left Sjin in stitches. “Well,” he stuttered after a full minute. “it sounds like you’ve had quite a day. At least you finally figured out what you’d set out to do.”

Lalna joined Sjin in sitting on the floor. The air around them buzzed with magic, playing with their hair and surrounding them with a slight glow. “I know what we’re going to do, but I need your help,” Lalna began.

~~~

Evening crept over the crops at Sjin’s Farm, and Sjin approached Xephos cautiously. “Xephos!”

“Yes?” Xephos looked up from the pipes he was working on. He was covered in dirt, pleasantly tanned, and sweating hard after a long day in the field. Freckles lightly dusted the skin around his impossibly large, blue eyes, and as those eyes focused on him, Sjin sucked in a breath. If only they weren’t so loyal to their respective partners… But he pushed away those thoughts. This was, after all, about Xephos and Lomadia, not his own fantasies. They were ridiculously cute together, anyways, and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he came between them.

“You’ve been tense lately, friend, and we’ve- I’ve been worried about you.”

“Worried.” Xephos’ eyes narrowed, their glow dimming. “I can take care of myself.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. There’s a little Sjindig tonight, you should come with me.”

“With you?”

“No, not _with_ with me.” So it wasn’t just Lalna who was so dense. “Just regular ‘with’. It’ll be fun! I think we might even have some new guests who don’t come around that often.” Sjin quirked his eyebrows and grinned at Xephos. He had to play this right, or nothing would work. “Get dressed up, check out the ladies.”

Ouch. That was one word too far, and they both knew it. Xephos stood, only a few inches taller than Sjin, though they were both far above average height. “‘Ladies,’” Xephos sighed. A beat passed between them, and Xephos sighed. “If you want, I will go ‘check out the ladies.’ There are absolutely no guarantees, though.”

“Wonderful!” Sjin clapped his hands together. “Let’s get you gussied up!”

“Won’t my standard form of dress be sufficient?” Grabbing Xephos’ arm, Sjin dragged him back through the dirt towards the farmhouse.

~~~

“It’s late,” Lalna whispered through Sjin’s earpiece. He watched as Sjin approached with Xephos in tow. He’d gotten in touch with Nilesy earlier in the day, and everything should be in place.

“Give me a break, he needed cleaning up.” Sjin muttered. It was true, Xephos looked great in his relatively new tailcoat. It was a vibrant red, flowing elegantly around his knees. No doubt he would be irresistible, though Lalna had a failsafe tucked safely away in his coat pocket were anything to go wrong. Glancing up, Lalna spotted two figures, black against the dusky sky. They were flying cautiously, and circled a few times before coming to rest a little ways off, beyond the smallish party room. Sjindigs were normally neutral ground, with everyone coming together as friends rather than competitors. Tonight, though, would be a little different. The pair of witches emerged from the woods, looking sharply-dressed and talking in hushed tones. Lalna opened the back door and ducked inside, making his way through the kitchen. These events were usually sponsored by ChiliWowas, but as it was only a few people, they hadn’t prepared much in the way of food. Which was good, as anything by ChiliWowas usually made everybody’s eyes water, and Lalna was planning on a night without waterworks, in any sense.

“Eagle One is in position,” came Sjin’s voice.

“Sjin, I’m Eagle One.”

“Then… wait, can we go over the keywords again?” Lalna smacked his forehead, accidentally digging the rim of his goggles into his hairline.

“First of all, we are Eagle One and Eagle Two. Unless you want to go by my first idea and call you Moustache.”

“I’m actually kind of warming up to Moustache,” Sjin told him.

“Second of all, it’s not that hard to remember. Lomadia is ‘Owlery’ and Xephos is ‘Tentacles’.”

“Well, that’s a bit racist. Why do you have to assume that all aliens-”

“If you have a better idea, keep it to yourself, because Owlery and Poolboy just walked in. Keep Tentacles, or whatever politically-correct name you want to call him, out of sight.”

“What about just ‘Enterprise’? It fits.”

“Sjin! Focus. All right, just keep an eye on Enterprise.”

“I thought I was Eagle Two.”

Lalna sighed, peeping out the window in the kitchen door out to the dancefloor. Normally, it would be packed full of people milling about, dancing, and drinking, but tonight the sign on the door read “RESERVED”. The only people in the room were the DJ- who, fittingly, was DJh3max- hidden up in a specially designed balcony near the rafters; Nilesy, who looked rather nervous in his polo shirt and skinny tie; and Lomadia, who had her bow drawn and was peering around with suspicion on her face. They had to act fast.

“Lalna, I’ve got a problem,” Sjin whispered frantically over the comm link. “He won’t go in.”

“Just let me deal with it. Plan B is in place.”

“I hope it’s nothing like Site B,” Sjin muttered.

Lalna sent a private message over to Nilesy, then one to the DJ. He had to make sure Lomadia and Xephos were the only ones in the picture. Pressing his ear to the door, he could just make out Nilesy’s poor excuse for acting.

“Lom, I think you had best stay here. I’ll go check outside, maybe make sure no one’s followed us.”

“Nilesy, what’s wrong? If you think it’s a trap, just say so. I wouldn’t go out there if I were you.”

“No, of course not,” Nilesy drew his vowels out and Lomadia looked at him strangely. “I’m just gonna go. You stay here, okay?”

Lomadia hummed at him, then nodded. Nilesy made his way out the front door, his footsteps loud on the mahogany flooring. She was a sight to behold, when she was on edge, her muscles stretched to their extent, feet spread wide, shoulders and elbows lifted gracefully to pull back her bow. Her eyes darted around the room, making it clear to anyone watching that she was predator, not prey.

The music began, slowly. Thank god he had convinced the DJ (with quite a bribe) not to play any of those trashy, grimy “remixes” he and his friends were so caught up with. This one was acoustic, gentle and soft for what was sure to be an emotional occasion. Not wanting to waste time with running around the building, he made a split-second decision.

/tp LividCoffee Sjin

“Lalna! What are you doing here?” Xephos sputtered. He clutched a bottle of gin tightly in his hands.

“Is that- Are you drinking?” Lalna turned to Sjin. “Why is he drinking?”

‘He needed one, okay? I figured it would help steel his nerves, and I don’t exactly have a teapot handy, seeing as you won’t let me in my own kitchen!”

“Never mind that.” He grabbed the bottle out of Xephos’ hands, rummaged around in his pockets, and pulled out the special bouquet he’d prepared. It was covered in a cloth to prevent any more ‘misunderstandings.’ “Here.” In one motion, he wrenched the door open, shoved the bouquet into Xephos’ hands, and thrust him through the door.

“Now, step two.”

They ran through a hidden side door, into the monitoring room, where Nilesy was already waiting. He gave Lalna an over-exaggerated wink, and he and Sjin giggled. On a typical night, Security would be in here, while Sjin was out in the room being the best host he could be. This time, however, they were using for their own private purposes.

On the screen, they could see from every angle, Xephos was still standing near the door, shaking like a leaf. Lomadia still had her bow out, and was, unfortunately, aiming it right at Xephos. An arrow quivered in the doorframe just above Xephos’ head, which was probably why he was shaking so hard. They could see him mouth some obscenities under his breath, but at least he took a step forward, and another, and another, until he had joined Lomadia in the center of the room. They would compare him later to a bride at a wedding, flowers and all.

“I don’t know, Lalna. You did promise not to use them on anyone.” Nilesy whispered.

“Shh! I know what I’m doing.”

“She is so going to hurt us. You. She is going to hurt you because I never had any part in this.” They returned their attention to the screens. Lomadia had, thankfully, lowered her bow, and she slung it over her back.

“Xephos?” She still sounded cautious, but her caution now was not one of the hunter, but of one trying to approach a small rabbit. “Are you alright?”

“Just fine!” Xephos squeaked. He was trying to sound confident, but his voice still shook. “Would you- um- flowers?”

Lomadia eyed the shrouded bouquet suspiciously, then covered her nose. “You know what, I’m going to let you go first on this one. Allergies, and all that.”

He ‘um’-ed again, then gingerly removed the cloth, revealing a modest selection of red, and yellow flowers, with one unfortunately conspicuous bright pink one in the centre. Xephos, being the only one in the direct vicinity who was breathing, bore the brunt of the scent.

Inside the cramped security booth, Lalna, Sjin, and Nilesy leaned closer to the screen.

Xephos’ eyes grew wide as he threw the flowers across the room in wild abandon, opened his mouth as if to say something profound and touching, and promptly threw up.

“Xephos!” Lomadia, seemingly unfazed by the disgusting bile that Xephos had just deposited all over the floor between them (but thankfully not on either of their clothing), reached out and wrapped protective arms around him.

“Oh, no, I had no idea- I mean,” she babbled, ”I knew he was going to try something with the plant, and I brought milk, but- are you alright?” She walked with him, slowly, over to one of the benches that rimmed the dancefloor. As they sat, she gently wiped away a strand of hair that had fallen over his face. Xephos looked up at her in wonder.

“You…” A breath passed between them, and Sjin, using his administrator privileges to access the control panel, dimmed the lights. “You look amazing. Wow. And here I am, and you, and I’m not…” He shivered, and Lomadia held him tighter, drawing him closer to her.

“Oh hush, it’s just the plant,” she whispered to him. “Amor compulsus, I gave some to Lalna, you’re not in your own head right now.”

“You’re forgetting something, Lomadia,” he spoke into the air between them.

“What am I forgetting, then?”

Though Xephos struggled to sit up, Lomadia held him down with her. “You forget lots of things. I forget more, most times, but you _forgot_.”

She stroked his hair rhythmically. In the Before Time, the trio would likely be too embarrassed to watch, knowing that this was a personal moment. But they had become accustomed to a land without many boundaries, physical or emotional, and kept listening.

“What did I forget, Xephos?” Lomadia prompted. Her gentle voice was not freely given, but Xephos had had it almost the moment they met, as they were now, a small, frightened outsider and a brave adventurer. When they met, though, it had been on the flip side of the equation: Xephos was the one comforting and guiding one of the first newcomers to their land.

“You forgot,” he hiccuped, “me. I need you, and you forgot.”

Letting out a breath, Lomadia grabbed Xephos by the thighs and hoisted him up onto her lap, wrapping him tightly in her embrace, where he curled his long, lanky limbs as close as he could towards her.

“I never forgot,” she corrected him. “I never forgot who you were, the stories you told me, the things you said when you cried out in your sleep. I never forgot who we were, together. And I never forgot you. I never could.”

Even on the screens, it was clear that Xephos was glowing. Not just his eyes, this time, he was full-on glowing, the light blue tint that seemed to emanate from him was brighter than they had ever seen it, even through the layers of fabric he wore. They sat there, still, wrapped around each other, for a full minute, as the second song played to a close.

Xephos was muffled in her chest, but managed to speak again. “There is also,” he added, “the fact that I am an alien, and the flowers didn’t do much but make me hurl.”

Lomadia laughed, long and loud, and pushed him up off of her. “You’re such an idiot,” she teased.

“Yes, but I’m _your_ idiot.”

She couldn’t object to that.

~~~

When Lalna arrived at Holediggers the next morning, Xephos was whistling. He went about his work with a spring in his step, and to Lalna’s utter astonishment, instead of punishment, or a stern talking-to, he got a wink. Honeydew scratched his head in confusion, then let out a ridiculously high-pitched squeal when Xephos tried to pick him up and spin him around. He failed miserably in this attempt, resorting instead to hugging the poor dwarf. And at the Magic Police station, Sjin and Lalna shared a laugh as they sipped their tea, knowing that both the Amor compulsus and the incriminating tapes were safely locked up, in a strongbox, in a cell, in the heart of Azkaban.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #notallaliens  
> Songs:  
> Title: It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones  
> Chapter 1: What is Love? (Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more)  
> Chapter 2: Toxic by Blowsight  
> Chapter 3: Shut Up and Dance by Walk the Moon (this song is the original way this was going to end, by the way)  
> And the song playing this chapter is actually Latch by Disclosure feat. Sam Smith, the acoustic version.  
> Also, non-consensual voyeurism isn't cool either, kids.


End file.
